About Horizon
by FightfortheLost
Summary: Shepard hid the emotional wounds inflicted on Horizon from the crew, but someone can only be pushed so far before something in them breaks.  A message was the final push.  Prior FemShepxKaidan.  Signs of possible FemShepxGarrus.


About Horizon

Finally, shift was over, and Shepard could go rest. Normally, she'd write a mission statement in her logs, to keep track of everything that was going on for future reference. However, she was still feeling raw. She'd been feeling raw, had been avoiding talking about what happened at Horizon as much as possible. Every time someone brought it up she felt a new wound open.

She began moving towards the elevator when Yeoman Chambers addressed her. "You have a new message at your private terminal," the young woman said, smiling faintly. Kelly was a valuable crew mate. She kept an eye on the crew so that if something was going on and Shepard missed it herself, the yeoman was there, filling her in.

A sigh escaped her. She'd almost slipped away. She was half-tempted to read it at the terminal in her quarters. However, she knew herself, and once she was in that room, she'd look at the console and the bed and the warm, soft sheets would win. She she swung towards the terminal and opened it. She opened the window and brought up her unread windows with a few soft beeping noises.

One was spam mail from Mordin's famous shops. She read it, blinked a few times and marked it read immediately. Why was it that all the best technology in the galaxy couldn't filter spam from important, mission related mails?

The next mail opened and she stilled, staring at it. The name at the top made a fresh wound in her heart and she clenched her teeth against the pain. She scrolled down the message, feeling her jaw begin to ache from the pressure. Red was obscuring her vision. Better than tears, she supposed.

There were other messages she could read. Things that would help to take her mind off of this one. She didn't want to read them. She wanted to rage and scream and do things that would frighten her crew. A headache was coming on, so she closed the terminal, perhaps more roughly than normal, because Yeoman Chambers was now staring at her, along with a few of the other crew members that were nearby.

She was too tired to deal with this. The wounds inflicted on Horizon were still too fresh. However, now sleep was far from her mind. She knew that if she tried to, she would be haunted by nightmares. Swiftly, stiffly, she moved towards the elevator.

She had to get out of there, away from them all. She entered the elevator and hit the button for her room, leaning back against the metal wall and staring at the ceiling light. She heard the AI com online and inquire if she was feeling unwell.

She didn't answer. Instead, she left the elevator once the door opened and went into her room. Her temper was still too strong. She was too angry.

Her feet carried her into the bathroom and she turned on the tap, splashing her face with the cool water, trying to calm herself. She took several deep breaths before lifting her face and looking into the mirror. Her hands gripped the sides of the metal sink so hard that she could feel the bones straining. Finally, she lifted her face and looked into the mirror.

The green eyes staring back at her were pale now. Once they'd been dark green, richly colored. Her hair, once military regulation, had grown longer, brushing the tops of her shoulders, but it was still that copper-red. Her scars, however, were what held her attention.

The skin at those places was more thin that elsewhere on her face, so she could see the light from the cybernetic implants glowing through it. They were still painfully obvious. She could have upgraded the medical bay easy enough, could have healed the scars. She didn't. Wouldn't. The scars were what kept her honest.

Kaidan hadn't noticed them. Hadn't noticed the changes in her that came from being dead and then brought back to life. He hadn't even asked.

She lifted a hand, tracing the lines with damp fingers.

What had she come back for? To save the galaxy? Humanity? What did any of that really matter when the one man she'd ever let into her life thought she was a traitor?

He hadn't even bothered trying to contact the Normandy, hadn't asked to meet her face to face so that he could say what he needed to say. He thought he could fix this with a message. With words on air without the eye-contact, without the sound of their voices. Without giving her the chance to rage and yell at him for his blind loyalty to the Alliance who had written her off and had dusted all of her hard work under the rug.

Anger channeled through her and she punched the mirror – once, twice – again and again. She kept slamming her fist against the reinforced glass, even as she heard it crack. She watched her face become unrecognizable as the glass splintered more and more until finally, she registered pain and looked down, seeing splinters digging into her skin, surrounded by bright red blood. Through the blood, she could see the glowing orange of non-organic systems running through her.

The haze of red had obscured her vision, but now it was tinged with blue as well. Her face was wet, but since she couldn't see the tears, she could tell herself it was from the water she'd splashed on her face. She could hear EDI speaking to her, sounding surprised or worried or panicked.

It didn't really matter. Not really. Right now, she was deaf to worry and concern. All there was in her was the rage and hurt and pain. She stormed from the bathroom, looking at her shelves, at the various items decorating them. She seized one of the model ships and threw it against the fish tank, watching as it bounced off, splintering into hundreds of pieces.

More useless items followed. When she was out of nicknacks to throw, she grabbed her office chair and swung it against the thing as hard as she could, again and again, until she heard the satisfying 'crunch' as the glass finally gave. She tried to pull the chair away to hit it again, but the chair was stuck in the glass, water leaking around the hole the metal support made.

Angry, she moved towards her desk, grabbing the only other thing not fastened down, preparing to throw it across the room as well until she saw his face staring, smiling at her.

A pained sob escaped her and she set it back down, carefully. "Damn you, Kaidan," she whispered, then she knelt at her desk, opening the terminal and looking at the message as her red temporarily faded from her vision. The words were now blurred by tears. Each word she read caused the red to return.

That was fine. Anger was safe. Anger was better than the hurt.

.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.

Garrus walked into the cockpit and stopped for a moment, finding all of their current team standing there. EDI was up, the line that usually fluctuated with her speaking quivered a bit. Joker looked uncomfortable. Mordin looked agitated and was muttering something about the samples that he was testing. The others looked equally irritable about being pulled away from what they'd been doing.

Yeoman Chambers, who had informed him that his presence was required approached with Jack, proving she'd gone on foot to deliver her message. He wondered why that was. "Sorry, I know this isn't where we normally hold meetings. It's the best place I could think of, since it keeps Mr. Moreau from having to get up."

"I don't like having all these people crowding my cockpit," Joker muttered, glancing around at them. He looked tense and frustrated. However, Garrus suspected part of that was because he knew why they were having this emergency meeting here.

"It's Cerberus's cockpit, Joker and we do have a briefing room on this level," Miranda pointed out with a roll of her eyes. It was rather obvious she wasn't fond of the Yeoman. Garrus suspected that it was because Kelly had an attractiveness that was natural and Miranda resented that someone without modifications could be pretty by human standards.

Jack rolled her eyes. "Shut up, Cheerleader." She looked edgy about being in such a confined place. 

Hoping to prevent a pissing contest so that he could out of here quickly, he spoke. "So, why was this meeting so important," he asked, leaning against one of the support beams, keeping his back to the crew that was along the hall behind him.

Kelly began to speak quietly, obviously trying to keep the rest of the crew out of this conversation as well. "About an hour ago, the Commander read a message at her private terminal. Whatever was in it upset her very badly," she said, looking nervous. "I've never seen her react so violently to anything. She's usually very steady and level-headed."

Garrus with-held a snort, even as everyone else squirmed. Obviously, the idea of Shepard being angry or upset was not going to improve the mental health of the crew. The likelihood of someone getting shot had gone up by about fifty percent.

"Any idea of what was in that message, Chambers," Jacob asked, straightening. He was frowning, looking at the ground.

"I don't snoop in the Commander's messages. If you want to know the nature of it, I believe that Miss Lawson is screening them. All I know was it was something of a deeply personal nature to the Commander. Her eyes were...haunted as she left."

Miranda shook her head. "I only screen her incoming messages from the Alliance and her outgoing messages to make sure that no confidential information is being leaked."

Garrus shook his head and looked out the window. He heard Joker swear softly.

"Alert, firearms are being discharged in the Commander's quarters." EDI's announcement drew his attention back. "Opening security footage."

The image was blurry, but he could see the flash of her gun as she shot the room. There was no sound, but he could see that she was yelling.

"Looks like she's unleashing her anger," Grunt said, sounding pleased and maybe a bit envious.

Garrus rubbed his face with a three fingered hand. "How protected is that room, EDI? Is there any chance she could rupture something vital?"

"No, Mr. Vakarian. When she began smashing her office chair into the fish-tank, I erected several kinetic barriers around the room, protecting vital systems."

"Wise. Human females can be volatile when angered. Likely should keep others away until the Commander is calm." Mordin breathed in deeply and quickly. "Might get shot. Or hit. Either way, painful."

Jack nodded. "Let her punish the room. Maybe it's just PMS and will blow over."

Joker shook his head. "She doesn't get like this. Even when she was commanding the first Normandy, I never saw her do something like this. Whatever is eating at her isn't going to just blow over."

"I agree," Garrus said quietly. "Someone needs to go up there and calm her down."

"I know the most about her, I'll deal with her," Miranda said sounding irritated.

Both he and Joker gave a snort of derision. "You know data on her. You don't know Shepard," Joker said.

"Then why don't _you_ go up and deal with her? Can you protect yourself if she starts aiming that gun at you?"

Garrus sighed impatiently. "EDI, do you know what's wrong with her?"

There was a pause. They waited. Finally, EDI began speaking. "Commander Shepard received a transmission from one Staff Commander Alenko." He swore soundly, as did Joker and Miranda. "She opened the message and read it before going to her room. She has read it twice since entering her quarters."

"Wait, wasn't that who bitched her out down on Horizon," Jack asked, looking uneasy. At his tired nod, she began swearing violently. Crewmen in the hall leading to the command center were starting to look in their general direction.

He and Jack had been part of the away party down on Horizon. He'd known the reunion had bothered Shepard, but obviously he hadn't known how bad it really was. Everyone had gone silent but he just watched his friend trash her room, trying to escape the mental anguish she was suffering from.

Finally, he lowered his head. "EDI, encrypt all security footage of Shepard's quarters. Don't let anyone see this. I'll go up and deal with her."

Everyone looked towards him. No one wanted to step into the line of fire with her on edge but he would do it. She'd saved his ass on Omega, had been a better friend than he'd had in a long time, sometimes better than he deserved. He looked towards Miranda. "If she needs a fight, I can handle her. Besides, I was with Shepard and Alenko during the first mission. Besides Joker, I'm the only one here who was, and if Joker tried to deal with her, he's screwed. Figuratively speaking.

A nervous chuckle went up around the team.

Joker glared at him. "Damn, don't get me all hopeful. I was about to hobble over to the elevator right now," Joker said, his sarcasm biting. More of the tension eased with the normal humor starting to return.

"Give me some time. EDI, if she shoots me, get Dr. Chakwas up there," that joke was a bit weak, since him being shot was a distinct possibility at the moment. He walked away from them and towards the elevator. He ignored the perplexed human mumbling.

Once the elevator door closed, he hesitated, then hit the button. "EDI, the others don't need to see anything going on in her room right now. Not even Lawson. Keep them out of the security footage, alright?"

"I understand," EDI stated quietly. Then, as the elevator slowed to a stop, she spoke again. "You're worried about her."

"That obvious," he asked sarcastically, then left as the door opened. He made sure his shields were up, just in case Shepard's temper was still in mid-flare. As he approached the door it opened and he stepped into the room.

The security footage didn't show the half of how bad the room was damaged. There were multiple holes in the fish tank from the hand canon. The leather office chair still hung from the hole it had made. Some water had obviously poured onto the ground before EDI had put the kinetic barrier around it. The leather seating had huge holes in it from the gun. Little pieces of feather floated down around the room like snow, likely from the pillows that had been torn in half.

And in the middle of it all sat Shepard, still holding the hand canon in her bleeding hand.

He approached her slowly, not certain if she was calm. She was hunched, her head lowered, her hair wild. He could see pieces of reflective glass sticking out of her knuckles. Her face was hidden. He crouched beside her, glancing at the gun. The reload alert was on, and he could see that there was only one bullet left in the clip. Gently, he put his hand over her own, taking the weapon away. "Shepard," he said gently.

Her now pale green eyes, lifted, met his. After a moment, the focused and then awareness filled them. Her face was pale and there were dark bags under her eyes. "Garrus," she asked, her voice small, like a child's. He could see that she'd been crying, her make-up was smeared around her eyes. He was glad her eyes were dry now.

"I'm here," he said quietly. It must have been the wrong thing to say, because a wail of anguish left her and the next thing he knew there was a sobbing human against his chest. This would have been easier to deal with if she'd been looking for a fight, he decided even as his arms lifted and a hand gently stroked her hair. "You've got everyone worried," he said, trying to keep his voice calm. "Even the ship, which is saying something."

He heard her give a watery laugh. It was a hopeless sort of sound and he didn't like it. "Brave of you to come up here unarmed and by yourself. What if I'd shot you?"

He shrugged. "My shields were charged. You'd have to empty an entire thermal clip at my head to hurt me. I figured you'd realize that I'm not what you wanted to shoot before it got that far."

Another one of those hopeless laughs. "I'm a wreck, huh. I'm supposed to be some kind of savior for humanity or some garbage like that." She took a breath and he heard the waver in it. "Did you hear why Kaidan was on Horizon in the first place? It was a trap. The Illusive Man sent an anonymous message to the Alliance, saying that it might be the next colony hit. The Alliance believed that Cerberus was the one targeting the colonies, so they sent Kaidan there to get to me."

He knew. How could he not? He'd read the reports, had heard Kaidan say as much on Horizon. Still, rather than saying that, he let her lance the emotional wound.

Her breaths were ragged and he could feel her shaking. "And when I was standing facing him, when I could see that he was safe, all he could see was Cerberus. It was like that because they'd brought me back, I'd spread my legs like a whore for them."

"Kaidan was an ass," he said, unable to keep the edge from his voice. It was unnerving seeing her tear herself apart like this. She was a strong woman and he knew that. He'd seen it time and again when she'd had to make choices that made others green so that things would get done. He also knew she'd been running herself in these mental circles since she'd gotten that message. A message. Damn Kaidan.

"And he couldn't even be bothered to try to apologize to my face. He sent a message, like a words on a screen would fix this, would undo the words he said. Coward couldn't even say it to my face."

Garrus just rocked her carefully. "I know you're angry," he said quietly. "All the more reason you should make sure you survive this mission. If you asked it of us, we'd make time to go after him so you could punch him a few times," he said that lightly, even while imagining bloodying the face of his old friend himself.

She shook her head. "I don't want to see him for now. I don't know if I'm ever going to want to see him again." She sighed and it sounded like it was wrung from her. "Garrus, I know you probably have other things you need to do, but...could you hold me for a bit longer?"

He could hear the tremor in her voice as she made the request and he found himself uncertain what to do. "Shepard," he asked, looking down at the top of her head. She wasn't looking up at him and her face was hidden by her hair once again.

"I need a friend's shoulder to lean on until I can stand on my own again. Let's face it, right now, you're the only person on this ship I can trust who doesn't see a rank wall in the way. You are the only one who dared to come up here, so I'm hoping you see me as a friend, too. So just hold me for awhile. Until I'm steady again."

The words calmed his uncertainties. She was right. She was the only person on this ship he really respected, and he saw her as a friend, probably the best he'd ever had. So he leaned against one of the couches and got comfortable, his arms embracing her loosely, one hand lightly stroking her hair.

As they sat there, he noticed for the first time that she smelled faintly of vanilla and lavender, noticed that there was something feminine and soft under that hard exterior. He didn't say that, he didn't know how to explain it. Still, she needed him, and that was more than he'd had in a long time. So instead, he said "I'm here, Shepard. As long as you need me, I'll be here." He kept his voice low and quiet, hoping that it would soothe her. "I promise."


End file.
